FEBRUARY, 1943 IOc WATCH OUR SMOKE ... FOR MILDNESS AND TASTE Here's a combination you can't beat ... the right combination of the world's best cigarette tobaccos. That's why Chesterfields give you real MILDNESS and BETTER TASTE and that's what the real pleasure of smoking adds up to. for everything you want in a cigarette, smolce Chesterfield ••• ~~It Copyright 1943, LIGGETT & MYERS TOBACCO Co. THE TEXAS RANGER Jack Adkins, Editor Bill Noble, Associate Alan Nicholas, Adoertisin9 Manager The cover this month was drawn The Texan staff, which was some­by Steve Rascoe, freshman art stu­In This Corner what divided after the recent elec­dent from Corpus Christi, who has tion, stands a chance to become verysince left for the Army Air Force There's nothing like politics any­much better consolidated now that as a private in pre-flight training. way you look at it. The sweetheart some of the paper's leftists have dis­ Also leaving was Bob Stringer, who race has caused an unparalleled wave covered that Ralph Frede is not the has cartoons in this issue, and in past issues. of friendliness to sweep across the conservative that they expected him Bill Noble, associate editor of the campus. It is also interesting to note to be. Frede's editorials are show­ Ranger, was among those called for that this time of year also brings a ing some of the foresight and thought duty in the Air Force, consequently flock of nominations for this, that and that a reading public should demand the Ranger has given practically its the other, i.e., queens of the Aqua­from a good newspaper. all to the fight against fascism, which Carnival, Ten Most Beautiful Girls, must give the publication some as­ and any other possible accesses to • pects of a social conscience. Charley publicity. Stewart, former art editor, is now a Speaking of politics reminds us private in the Army, as will soon be However, it appears at this time that some of the campus politicos,John Bryan Bryson, who was re­that the race will not be nearly as what few there are left, are a little cently in town for one last fling be­ heated as it has been in past years, worried about . the reforms in stu­fore heading for the arms of Uncle and that in the fact of the war, the dent government that Bill Barton has Sam. calling up of reserves, rationing, the proposed. They're also wondering The cover is certainly inappro­ sweetheart race will not mean nearly whether or not there will even be priate, since practically all reserves so much as it has in the past. Cer­student elections this spring, since the are in danger of being called, but tainly some · of the candidates are future of the student body is so un­at the time it was drawn there were certain. taking it pretty easy, with the ex­still college students roaming about ception of two or three who are drag­The status of publications elec­the forty acres. ging down some good publicity. tions are very uncertain, since both Stories this month include those of the Cactus and the Ranger have a Jane Riley, who warns wisely about doubtful future. The Cactus would • the campus wolf; Colgate Villaret, suffer from shortage of photographic who warns wisely about the evils of The funniest story of the year, we supplies, while the Ranger might war conditioning, and Brooks Keller, think, is the one that is told in re­prove too big a financial drain on who warns wisely of the evils of gard to the recent showing of "White the publications string. At any rate, mixing capital and labor. Cargo" here. It seems that during the future will show. Miss R., as she is referred to, is one of the most seductive scenes of enjoying University life evidently, the show, Hedy Lamarr was gliding since she bounds about the campus across the floor cooing, "I am Tonde­• with endless enthusiasm. She's a layo" or words to that effect. The "How did the lightning bug feel brunet with violet eyes, and is a theater was silent. Suddenly a when he backed into the fan?" retired army brat. Keller's return woman in the balcony screamed out, "De-lighted-no end!" appearance is somewhat marred by "My God, I left my baby on the the decision of the Texan not to print bus!" "I fainted. They brought me to. a recent letter he wrote to the Firing The story goes that every one was So I fainted again." Line, which was certainly depriving so busy laughing that they didn't the socially conscious of incentive to even look at the screen for at least "Why?" be voluble. ten minutes. "They brought me two more." The 1Texas Ranger, student magazine of The University of Texas, published monthly by Texas Student Publications, Inc., Austin, Texas, from September to May, inclusive. Terms: 75 cents a year, single copies 10 cents. Entered as second class matter May 31 , 1916, at the post office at Austin, Texas, under the Act of Congress of March 3, 1879. Permission to reprint material from this magazine may be obtained from Texas Student Publications, Inc., Austin, Texas. Reprints with proper credit, are hereby granted to regular publicationa. There Were Such Things What a difference a year makes, what a tremendous difference. She was just turning the corner and the wind, that. icy wind of the damned North, whipped at her skirt, toyed with it, and then let it limply alone. And his eyes would not leave her, not that he, would have noticed a year ago, on the campus. No. No one would have given second glance to the thin, hardened girl who held her head high and passed by. Right. What a difference a year makes. Ralph tilted his cap even more. Head up, he followed her, knowing that nothing could be more dear than walking along beside her. Strolling carelessly with her, talking with so much hot air and having some one to be friendly. Ever since going ino training, the life had been hauntingly lonely. Before, there had ·been carefree hours on the Drag, good college chat and red-headed bull sessions. And most comfortable, lazy afternoons on banks of cool green grass overlooking the po91. And Kathy had been along, always. Along to pull him out of the dumps when he felt mood indigo blue. Along to pull his feet back to earth when one of his moods sent him soaring. There were such things to remem­ ber about Kathy. Fun and firm youth that could never end, only go on and on and on to perfect climax. Damn his luck anyway, thought Ralph as the girl walked even faster. He could have shouted "Hey! Wait up for a fellow. Be a patriotic Miss and let me talk!" Then he mentally kicked himself. For there had been Kathy and a wonderful past, perhaps to come back to. A damned fool to get weak and want when there was so much to remember and so much to return to. Duration didn't mean forever; there has to be an ending. And there was A Nostalgic Bit Designed for Soldiers "There goes Errol Flynn." always Kathy. Frail, touchable A year or so ago Ralph would have Kathy. She'd be so nice to come laughed and spat, but now ... well, home to. beggars still can't be choosers. Any Ralph looked. He stopped and would do in a storm and no .one back then looked again. The girl had just home could know. If the light would made the light. She crossed the only change! Come on, Green. Give street but was looking back, a faint a soldier a chance, a break, just one smile creased in painted lips. little fling of a break. When, finally, the trail of cars slowly separated, Ralph looked again but the smile was no longer there. Only the rush hour crowd, and all strange people. He started to cross, still wanting, only now he had been made to wait. Ralph retraced his steps slowly. Toward the corner with the icy wind. And people passed him there. An­other boy in khaki on a strange street corner. You've seen so many of them yourself, standing, and waiting and wishing. But it was over now. Ralph felt calm inside. After all, there was that job to do and a prom­ise to keep for Kathy. . What a difference, what a very happy difference, another year could make. -1. Shaver If you think money doesn't talk, then just try to telephone without a nickel. EXPERIENCE NECESSARY "I never kissed a girl in my life." "Well, don't come buzzing around me. I'm not running a prep school." Jack had money-Jill had nil, Jill married Jack-so Jack had Jill. Jill went to Reno-now she's back. Jack has nothing-Jill has jack. Sitting in a concert hall waitmg for the concert to begin, a man, seeing a little boy in front of him looking at his watch, bent forward and asked enthusiastically, "Gee and does it tell time?" "No," said the little boy kindly, "you have to look at it." T. S. C. W.: An institute of yearn­mg. PAGES Phi: "I'm on my way to a picnic." Frosh: "Where's your lunch?" Phi: "Oh, a stranger here, eh?" -Duke 'n' Duchess "Damn a prof that gizes a quiz on Monday morning." "Damn a prof that gives a quiz on Monday." "Damn a prof that gives a quiz." "Dawn a prof." "Damn." -Yellow Jacket "I would like to get some alli­gator shoes." "What size shoes does your alli­gator wear?" -Maroon Bee Dogs in Siberia are the fastest in the world because the trees are so far apart. " ... but I just HAVE to go back for myTangee SATIN-EINISH Lipstick!" O NCE you've enjoyed the flawless smoothness, the . glorious color of a Tangee SATIN-FINISH Lipstick, you'll never want to be without one. In any weather, under all conditions, your SATIN­FINISH Lipstick will stay put! ••• giving your lips a glos­sier perfection, an enviable grooming, you used to think was only possible in Hollywood. Today, SATIN-FINISH makes it pos­sible for you! WITH THE NEW SATIN-FINISH fAHGEE MEDIUM-RED. TANGEE NATURAL,TANGEETHEATRICAL RED,TllNGEE RED-RED The magician walked down to the footlights and asked a young lady to step up on the stage. "Now, as a climax to my act, I am going to saw this young lady in two right before your eyes." The crowd cheered and stamped its feet. "As is customary before doing this trick," he continued, "I'd like first to make sure that you all want to see ..." A thundering "sure." "And there are no objections to my performing . . . " A "No" rocked the house. "The girl's sorority sisters-do they object?" "Not at all, to be sure." "How about you," he asked, turn­ ing to the girl. "Do you mind being sawed in two?" The girl shook her head. "Well then," the magician said. And he sawed the girl in two. We all thought it was as funny as hell, but the police made quite a fuss about it. Old Lady (to little boy standing on his head): "Don't you know that if you do that, you'll never get to be president?" Little Boy: "That's all right, I'm a Republican." An elderly maid from Loa Got caught in the coils or a boa ' The snake squeezed and squeezed And the maid, not displeased, Cried, "Go on and do it Samoa!" Maroon Bee Dean (to co-ed): "Are you writing that letter to a man?" Co-ed: "It's to a former roommate of mine." Dean: "Answer my question." -Banter PA.am & Father (reprovingly): "Do you know what happens to liars when they die?" Johnny: "Yes, sir. They lie still." Harry: "Ah, there you are. Where have you been during the last three dances?" Alma: "Jimmy was showing me some new steps." Harry: "Were they very hard?" Alma: "No. We took cushions along." -Exchange Eskimo girls are so cold they have Arctic Circles under their eyes. "What is it that has four feetzies, two pushzies, four pullzies and one switchzie?" "That's easy. A cow." "Wrong, A cowzie-wowzie." Rugged: "Gee, I'm feeling low to­night." Ruffles: "I'll say." "How do you like bathing beau­ties?" "I never bathed any." Joe: "Why does a farmer look for a needle in a haystack?" Gish: "Because that's where his daughter usually does her fancy work." "There are four types of Sweater girls-Small, Medium, Large, and My Gawd!" Rounding 'Elll The Ranger cover for this month was already at the engraver's when the Army Air Force Reserves were called up. We hope that you'll for­give us if it seems to be a little in­appropriate. The Chi Omegas are going to run JACKIE McKAY for sweetheart, since BETTY JO EHLERS has dropped out of school. Speaking of sweethearts reminds us that one of the nominees, an inde­pendent, is getting so much publicity it must make her rivals sick. EUGENIA WORLEY'S engage­ment ring has such a big diamond in it that friends think she borrowed it from the searchlight corps. It's so big that some one mistakenly put a case of beer on it one night. JOE APPLEGATE is putting the big sweat on MOPSY WARD, the oo-la­la from Big D. They're going steady for a week test run. Some of the costumes in T. S. 0. were so reveal­ing that they have to be taped on. JOE O'BANION, who is in V-7, took his life in his hands by getting in a fight with a j. g. out at the La Conga, one night. BILL HOUSTON is still wondering how all of those bird dogs (literal meaning) got into his car that same evening. LA­VERNE LUCE quit school to take up nursing, which may lead a lot of peo­ple to get sick. SYBIL PREMACK hardly ever stays in Austin what with her visits to that med student in Galveston. BILL HOLDER has deserted the Phi Kap house for his home town, where he is awaiting his army call. SAM WINTERS and TOOTSIE NEELEY as they say, have it bad. The Drama Department is having more than a little trouble finding men to do parts in shows. For those NEW••• a CREAM DEODORANT which safely STOPS under-arm PERSPIRATION 1. Does not rot dresses or men's shirts. Does not irritate skin. 2. No waiting to dry. Can be used right after shaving. 3. Instantly stops perspiration 1 to 3 days. _Removes odor from perspira­tion, keeps armpits dry. 4. A pure, whue, greaseless, stainless vanishing cream. 5. Arrid has been awarded the Approv­al Seal of The American lnsticute of Laundering for being harmless fabric. ... Buy a jar today ... at any store which sells toilet goods. Also 1n 10/ and 59<'.' jar\ ARRID Up who rate a Theta, we would suggest the Amariller-killer, MARY STACK, who transferred here at mid-term. ELOISE DAVIS got a bar from her husband for a wedding gift. Speak­ing of bars reminds us to wonder how many more of the Delta Gammas have gotten on social pro. Someone recently walked up to BILLY MATTHEWS, director of Time Staggers On, and remarked, "Walter Pidgeon must have been a fraternity man." Recent pinnings include GLENN MORTIMER, BET­TY DORCHESTER, BOBBY RED­DIN and BONNIE MAE EARTER, and DOROTHY HEEP and BEN WAYNE GREIG. Unpinnings would include CHARLOTTE RUSSELL and CLAIRE GANNON. BRIEN DILLON and AUDREY JOHNSON have announced their engagement. If MARY ELLA McCULLOUGH spends much more time in the Fountain Room, she'll have to start paying rent. BETTY GIBSON was seen steady in the company of a Marine private. Sure looked serious. BRAD BOURLAND is getting the big razz from friends about his steadily-increasing bald spot. They ask him whether he is thirty-five or forty. BILLIE LOU HALLMARK is sporting a big sparkler these days. Wags in S. R. D. say she needs a train-bearer to hold her hand up. MIKE FLYNN may be found any night in the wonder bar, namely PATSY ANN'S. By this time people will probably be raving about how lovely ALICIA MUNGUIA looked and sang in T. S. 0. Recent visitors on the campus in­cluded VAN KIRKPATRICK the ' ex-band leader, who is now doing his bit with the Camp Hulon Coast Artil­lery Band, while WILLIAM BEECHY, who played the tough ser­geant in the Experimental Theater's "Eve of St. Mark" is getting first­hand experience as a private sta­tioned in San Antonio. PAGE' 7 · John Faber I Than ks-­ Through Your Loyal · Support You Have Made History for Your CO-OP We Enjoyed the Greatest Second Semester Business In Our History­ . I Have You Claimed Your Share of the i .:' $4,000.00 We Are Returning to the Students At the Left Are Students Who Won Special Prizes-for Further Information on These Prizes See Our Windows UNIVERSITY CO-OP Controlled and Operated by Students and' Faculty "Pardon me, Major, but your slip is showing. PAGE 9 Happy Ending As they say at the start of all stories of glitter and dirt and in be­tween, a gay and fashionable party was in full swing. The house, Vic­ torian in the extreme, was full of debutantes, dowagers, eligible bache­lors, gimcracks, and red plush. It was a coming out party for a debutante. She was a dead ringer for Tracy Lord but her name was Clarissa Devereaux and she lived in Chicago instead of Philadelphia. In the winter her father wore a derby, a topcoat with satin lapels, and never spats. They were that kind of peo­ple. The receiving line, having met the charges of the valiant four hundred, had dissolved into dimly lit corners where it sustained its various selves with excellent Scotch, cigars, and anti New Deal politics. Clarissa's mother was in the kitchen discussing life and scrambled eggs with the cooks, three in number. Clarissa, who fancied herself a chanteuse, had just finished doing things to NIGHT AND DAY which would have prob­ably caused Cole Porter to consider immediate self destruction had he been so unfortunate as to have been in the near vicinity. At the moment Clarissa was being led out into the cold night by a dark young man with attractive if some­what irregular features. He was an ingrate, a radical, and an intellectual scapegoat. Her father had said so. He was also a professor of economics at the University of Chicago. He had a Ph.D. and an IQ of 160. Robert M. Huchins considered him brilliant and fundamentally sound. Clarissa considered him a cross between Laurence Oliver and Bernard Shaw. His full name was Eliot Aquinas Winkler. He was in love with Clarissa. Clarissa had learned long ago to kiss and be kissed on every possible the social arts, had acquired con­siderable talent in such maneuvers. So this moonlight and roses stuff was duck soup to her. She was a tiger lily who knew all the smart answers to all the dumb questions. He was never in better form, not even when lecturing upon the dangers of price inflation. He dwelled at length upon the debatable point about two people having twice as much fun as one on half as much money. He paid tribute to Clarissa's beauty, charm, and intellect. He measured his devo­tion to her in terms of things like stars, oceans, mountains, and rivers (Continued on P. 20) occasion, and being an apt pupil in "She's on the welcoming committee for new students." 1 She's had lovers from south of the border, Argentine's in no specified order Though the guys from below Are all in on the know, It doesn't diminish their ardor. She's known lads from the Isle of John Bull, Stout fellows in good English wood, Cliveden folk all allege, She cause Neville to hedge, And faces to fall in Rangull. 3 She's the gal in Adolf's double life, The one Goering salutes as "der wife," The .guys in the Reich, Think so much alike, She can't figure out who to knife. 4 She was there on the Maginot line, Like a fly in a glass of white wine, Said she to Pierre, "Pierre, do you dare?" Said Pierre, "No, thank you; mon cher." -Brooks Keller And also the botany prof who named his twin daughters Fauna and Flora. In Re Lupo What Euery Young Girl Should Know About the Campus Wolf There are many sorts in our forty­acred jungle, 0 Freshman Fille, and thou shalt know them all when thou art grown to seniorhood. There are as many sorts as are professors in yonder Tower. And just as I leave thee with wise warning of Dean Rough and Doctor Difficult and Pro­fessor Profound, so shall I, before departing, counsel thee in the ways of our jungle tribes. Of all save the Wolf shall I tell thee. For all save this one of the ill-omened of our tribes shall I prepare thee, in guid­ance fraught with campus lore, that thou shalt be a happier Sophomore than thy sisters. Beware of Barbara, the short­tempered Cat, whose sharp little cl,a,ws will find thy skin all too soon. And step carefully near Stella, the sleek black Panther, for her claws, too, will find thee, but their scar will be deeper and their attack thou shalt not forsee, for her voice is sweet and her dark coat hides her. Learn from Eleanor, the many­voiced Parrot, that the jungle is deaf to the wittiest words when they fall in an endless stream. And heed the lesson of Lorraine the Flamingo. She stands posing all the day through, and the spectacle is monotonous. Tito the Monkey will amuse thee with his ready giggle and his danc­ing feet and his gossip of the other jungle folk. Dance with him, 0 Eager Face, for the young will ever dance. But share with him thine secrets and thou shalt find that they, in turn have joined his repertoire. Johnny the Jackal thou shalt know by his unclean coat. His mind lives in squalor and the dust of it will dull thine own is thou art too often near him. For Stevie the Stinker, the heart-breaking Snake, thou shalt be forearmed by the rustle of criticism that surrounds him. All of the jun­gle knows his ways, his sliding glance, his whispered hiss of entreaty and promise, his ease in shedding the skin of conscience and code. All of these tribes thou shalt know in our forty-acre jungle, 0 Seven­teen, and all will teach thee to tread lightly its paths lest thine footfalls sound a noise that betrays thee as one of them. Thou shalt know them, for their tracks are deep and their coats alike; thou shalt not be sur­prised. But of one pit-fall, 0 Brand-New Saddle Shoe, I cannot counsel thee. I cannot say, "And 'ware Walter the Wolf. Here are his colors. En garde!" For of all creatures he is most illusive; he defies description and analysis because his is such a multitude of coats and habits and hunting-grounds. He is architect, engineer, lawyer, musician, pre-med. He is student and professor, he is football player and Phi Bete, he is soda jerk and frat man. He is journalist, chemist, artist, and certainly geologist. He is thine Zoology lab partner. He is the sour soul who grades thine history papers and the hail-fellow who dates thine room-mate. The Wolf's haunts are as varied as his callings, so I cannot taboo any acre of our jungle and thus, that simply, save thee, At MICA func­tions in Gregory Gym he hunts, and with his pack, for hours each day stalks prey in front of the Texas Book Store. At the Phi Delt house he stands in a corner, alone and aloof, while brother Phi Delts entertain their dates at Sunday luncheon. That clean new page in his little black book is choked with phone numbers when he leaves the Freshman Dance. Thou shalt find him oftentimes on the twelfth row of the Texas Theatre. He is sometimes in the reserve read­ing room, frequently in the Night Hawk. He sings in All Saints' Choir. However varied are his roles, I can make for thee one generalization con­cerning his physical characteristics; blond or brunet, crew-cut or curly­locked, he seems always two inches taller than his fellow creatures. He looks down with a certain indif­ference that thou wilst associate with height whether he is 5 by 5 or a World's Fair Trylon. Be his jacket from Pincus in San Antonio or from New Haven's J. Press, it hangs nicely on that taller frame. No eager stout is Walter Wolf. Whatever else is intangible about him, the Wolf has one revealing ear­mark that catalogues him with his lupine fellows. He is ruled by the most ·straight-laced regard for the spoken word, and in his utter honesty is completely non-committal. In this paradoxical streak of conscience lies the Wolf's great difference from the Snake; no moonlit words shalt thou hear from him, 0 Pig-Tailed Pledge, no sweet, sweet nothings, no small white lies, no plans. And where the Snake, a liar, is known to the jungle, the Wolf is not, because his tracks have been covered by the pride of his prey; rather than admit complete failure to entrap him, or even to coax from him heart-felt phrase, his torch-bearers remain silent as he journeys on, indifferent, through the jungle. So if He is a creature of too few words, 0 Wide-Eyed One, if He is rather tall and most aloof, and if He seems the child of Christian code, thou hast stumbled on a Wolf. And I counsel thee, 0 Belle Enfant, 0 Freshman Fair, 0 Jeunne, Jeunne Fille, don't be a schlemeil! Retread the forty-acred paths and pick thine­ self another playmate lest thou take thine place in that silent line of torch-bearing suckers yonder. -Jane Riley You have two chances One of getting the germ, And one of not; And if you get the germ, You still have two chances; One of getting the disease, And one of not; And if you get the disease, You still have two chances, One of dying and one of not; And if you die, Well, you still have two chances. Kissing a girl is just like opening a bottle of olives-the first may come hard, but it's a cinch to get the rest. "But you've taken a quart already." "Hello, Mary Jane, whatcha do­ ing Saturday night?" "I gotta date." "Anna next Saturday after that?" "I gotta date." "Anna Saturday after that?" "Gotta date." "Good gawd, woman, dontcha ever take a bath?" A deaf woman entered a church with an ear trumpet. Soon after she had seated herself, an usher tiptoed over and whispered, "One toot, and out you go." English Instructor: "Are you smoking back there, Mr. Sprat?" Sprat: "No, sir. That's just the fog 'min." -Yellow Jacket Once upon a time there were two Irishmen. There are lots of them now. "Is this the N. A. laundry? Well, you sent me half a dozen old hand­kerchiefs instead of my shirt." "Them ain't handkerchiefs. That is your shirt." "Swear that you love me." "Alright damit, I love you." I think that I shall ever hate Instructors who are always late, Who, being eternally tardy, Betray those numerous and hardy Souls who rouse themselves at dawn And hastily fling clothing on, Committing drastic gastric crime To get their breakfast down in time, Then scramble up the hill at eight To find the damned instructor-late! -Widow A drunk got into a taxi and asked to be driven around the park five times. After the third time around, he shouted to the driver, "Faster­I'm in a hurry." -Hiccup Surgeon to attendant: "Get the name of the accident victim so we can tell his mother." Attendant (three minutes later): "He says his mother knows his name." First Sgt. (to Beast) : "Say, when were you born?" No reply. "I say, when was your birthday?" Beast (sullenly): "Wot do you care? You ain't gonner give me nothin'!" PROVERBS . A pebble, in a state of circumvolu­ tion, acquires no lichens. Feathered bipeds of similar plum­ age will live gregariously. Why should the smaller domestic utensils accuse the larger of nigro­ tude? Too great a number of culinary as­ sistants may impair the flavor of the consomme. The capital of the papal states was not constructed in a diurnal revolu­ tion of the globe. -Pelican "Ah, Abdul, been shoplifting again, I see" And have you heard of the guy who has invented a device for look­ing through a brick wall? He calls it a "window." What'll they think of next? Proud father (showing triplets to the visitors) : "What do you think of them?" Visitor (pointing to one m mid­dle): "I'd keep that one." "Man may .have more courage than woman, but he doesn't get half the chance to show his backbone." A young bride had a beautiful trous­seau, And also a beautiful torso, But her groom liked her torso Much better than her trousseau, That's why her trousseau got tore so. There was a young man from Pough­keepsie, Whose soul was consumed with the gypsy, So he hopped on a freight But he hopped on too late, And severed his soul from his gypsy. J. A. Death the Afternoon Being an Expose of Ed 'the Terrible' Barlow, the War Conditioner Razdover and Reginald, the invin­cible twins, swaggered arm-in-arm down the footpaths of U. T. toward Gregory Gym-and possible and probable death in the war condition­ing class. Now this damn war conditioning course wasn't really all it was cracked up to be. The only pure and virgin fact that Razdover could siphon out of the registrar's catalog was that the course weeded out and/ or killed those specimen unfit to march upon the battlefield. This fact, which Razdover contin­ually pounded in Reginald's good ear, made Reggie right sad and lugu­brious (which means the same as sad). He wanted to be patriotic and shed his nine corpuscles of blue blood with all the other would-be Sergeant Yorks. But time was up and Barlow com­manded, "O. K., privates, down on your thing!" The class eventually got down on their aching backs and began to give out with some latest style calisthenics concocted by voci- YOU Can ~o better -' 7 work if your eyes are not strained Come in now and have your eyes examined We have been optometrists for student. for over 20 11ear1 ferous Barlow. Instead of the rou­tine one, two, three, that diabolical dynamo had originated a tripled-time one, two, three, four, five, six-seven -and, bub, that am mighty far from heaven. Instead of clapping heads together and trying to remove (but permanently) your partner's legs, the new set-up was to grab the partner's head, ram the knee through the stomach, bend the right arm in 87 degree angles with the gastronemius, twist the neck to collaborate ob­tusively with the analytical extremi­ties, all resulting in the expulsion of Latakia. Razdover and Reginald had always been partners for the pleasure and possibility of maybe-murdering each other. But bellowing Barlow soon sensed the strong odor, and split the two like enemies at a MICA mixer. "This is death," gurgled Razdover as he was placed before hairy Her­man Spinebreaker. "This is worse than death," screamed Reginald as he telescoped his new associate, Anthony Arm­buster. "This is TOTAL war!" The hour of ex-stink-ion com­menced rather sluggishly. After sure-death calisthenics, the panting class were handed ropes to jump. One smart boy misunderstood and walked around the corner and hanged himself. The coroner, how­ever, gave a verdict of accidental death, for it was certainly a case of following the pursuit of happi­ness. In self-defense and self-defiance, Razdover and Reginald whipped their partners to shreds, because fear of having to race the thugs over the barricades made their bile turn crim­son. Attempting to muster double­suck on barking Barlow, the in­ domitable pair sacrificed their future well-being by offering to lead the steeplechase. Bickering Barlow did not bicker long, for at last had come the sugared opportunity to rid his class of this unholy duet. "Hell, yes," burped Barlow. And the two were off like one. In the last stretch, Reggie became blind, deaf, mute, hot, cold, breath­less, numb, black, purple, and a con­scientious objector. Razdover, who claimed that most evenings seemed longer than that one did the night before, trounced around the gym and straight toward the 18-foot barricade. Everyone knew that he could never make it, but no one knew it better than Razdover. Straight, straight, he ran like a campus election; on, on, on, on toward that cursed barricade. Oh, Gawd, he couldn't see, he told himself, pulling out his bottle of Murine and removing his tri-focals. He galloped stubbornly and unhesi­tantly into the rock wall. All the classmates dashed to the unforgettable scene. Barlow blub­bered that Razdover was dead. Reginald recuperated, only to col­lapse again into three uniform knots. With tears falling to the rhythm of their dripping gym suits, the woeful class raised the body. One desperate buddy dramatically yelled, "Come on, Hirohito, you can have me!" Another stepped forward and asked of Gawd's landscape, "Is being a Nazi slave really so bad?" Still a third bewildered student declaimed, "Give me liberty or war conditioning. I regret that I have no life left to give to my country." He rolled over motionless, never again to participate in that hourly rende:.:.vous with Death. Barlow belched, "Sorry the cata­log mislead you all about this course. They wouldn't call it 'Murder in the Moulin Gym' or 'A Sacrifice of Each Limb at Gregory Gym.' " Razdover, given up for a casualty, cocked open his good eye and whis­pered, "A pint of that rum, Reggie, I want to make that last barricade.'' -C. Villaret He gazed admiringly at the beau­tiful dress of the leading chorine. "Who made her dress?" he asked his companion. "I'm not sure, but I think it was the police." -Analyst "I hear Admiral Byrd took his dogs with him to the South Pole." "Yes, they say that it was his dogs that first discovered the pole." -Urchin PA.Gii 17 Mistress: "You know, I suspect my husband has a love affair with his stenographer." Maid: "I don't believe it. You are only saying it to make me jealous." -Mercury Potts: "There's the air raid warn­ing-let's run." Crankshaft Johnson: "Wait'll I get my false teeth." Potts: "What do you think they're dropping-sandwiches?" A professor was giving his class an oral quiz and picked upon a particularly unfortunate specimen for his most difficult queries. "Who signed the Magna Carta?" No answer. "Who was Bonny Prince Charlie?" No answer. "Where were you on Friday?" "Drinking beer with a friend of mine." "How do you expect to pass this course if you drink beer when you should be in class?" "I don't sir, I only came in to fix the radiator." -Pelican No. 2 20th and Guadalupe WELCOME To the Students' Principal Meeting Place Ask for a "FRISCO" Other Locations 336 South Congress, Austin Main and Ashby, San Antonio Do you have reservations, sir? Tho Clint made Jeanie twitterpated, She was not the girl he dated ... Til she discovered Pep·O-Mint. Now our Jeanie's Mrs. Clint. MORAL: Everybo.ly's brea th offenrls now and then. Let Life Savers sweeten .a ncl freshen your breath after eating, drink­in.;, and smoking. FREE! A BOX OF LIFE SAVERS FOR THE BEST WISECRACK! What is the best joke that you heard on the campus this week? Send it to your editor. You may wisecrack yourself into a free box of Life Savers! For the best gag s u b m i t t e d each month by one of the students, there will be a free award of an attractive cello­phane-wrapped as­sortment of all the Life Saver flavors. Jokes w i 11 be judged by the edi­ tors of this publica­ tion. The right to publish any or all jokes is reserved. Decisions of the edi­ tors will be final. The winning wise­ crack will be pub­ lished the following month along with the lucky winner's name. The burglar forced the window open and crawled inside the house, taking his bag of tools with him. Quietly he crossed the room to a wall safe and calmly set about the task of removing the combination lock from the heavy door. Upstairs the minister had been aroused by his wife and had crept to the head of the stairs. Below him he saw the man at work. Not wishing to call the police on the fell ow he decided to handle the thing himself. So he walked downstairs and turned on the light. The thief turned to stare as he ap­ proached. "My good fellow," began the clergyman, "Why have you come into my house to steal from me?" There was a pause before the man answered. "Mister, I got a wife and five kids to home that's gotta be fed and this is the only way I can get a little cash." "That's too bad," said the minister solemnly. "But don't you know that PAGE 19 I also collect stamps. if you pray the Good Lord will come to your aid?" The thief thought a minute, then dropped to his knees and folded his hands. A warm smile of approval covered the minister's face as he watched the fellow's mov­ing lips. Suddenly the prayer came to an end and the thief turned again to the safe. Deftly he flicked the dial three times and the iron door swung easily open. "Well I'll be damned," said the minister slowly. -Malteaser Prof: "Jones, this is the third time you've come to class drunk this week. What have you go to say." Jones: "It's expensive as hell." "Susan! Stop bothering Joe and let him enjoy his Sir Walter Raleigh" Blended from choice Kentucky burleys, Sir Walter Raleigh is extra mild-burns cool-with a delightful aroma all its own. SIR WALTER RALEIGH PIPE TOBACCO Smokes as sweet as it smells The lights were low. The spell of romance gripped the shy young man. Tenderly, he placed his arms around the girl of his dreams. .. "Do you love me, honey?" he breathed. "No," replied the girl. "I can't say that I do. But kiss me anyhow. Kiss me!" The timid youngster drew back. "But," he protested, "you just said you didn't love me." "Aw come on," coaxed the girl. "Don't be so technical." Little boy, who has just picked up a worm, "Poor iddle worm! Is your mudder and father dead? Does oo want to be with your father and mudder?"-Squish. Navy Pre-Flight Cadets and Curtiss Wright Cadettes Give Your Sorority and Frat PARTIES In the Atmosphere of OLD SPAIN! We Can Handle 3 Parties in Separate Dining Rooms at One Time! Appetizing Courses in e MEXICAN e CONTINENTAL e MODERN Service Designed Especially for Your Party Needs OLD SEVILLE Phone 8-4321 for Reservations 16th and Guadalupe -Happy Ending (Continued from P. 9) of blood-this last cribbed from Benvenuto Cellini, another hustler. "I love you, Clarissa. I'm afraid I always shall. You're beautiful and warm and full of tears and laughter and passion for living, I can't offer you your current standard of living. I can, I do, offer you my heart and my destiny. Will you marry me, darling-tomorrow at noon?" Clarissa listened, was impressed, succumbed. Despite having had only four hours sleep that night, Clarissa was up early the next morning to take breakfast with her father. "Well, Clar, howja like your party " he said as she came in. "Immense, Pops. Staggering in the extreme. How much did it set you back?" "Plenty, baby-as you damn well know." "Never mind, !?ops. You don't really mind as long as I had fun, do you? Did you enjoy yourself?" she asked with coy innocence. "Certainly not. I ran into that dreary, infatuated young man of yours early in the evening and be­came dyspeptic shortly thereafter. Honest to God, Clar, what can you possibly see in that fellow. If I thought for a minute that you might ever marry that paper bag full of wind and words, I don't know whose throat I'd cut first, yours or mine." "That reminds me, Pops, what time is it?" "Twenty to twelve, why?" "Sorry, Pops, got to run. Very important engagement at noon." "Engagement to do what, Clar?" "Make my debut, Pops." -Brooks Keller Traveled (inquiring of hotel clerk): "Is this hotel clean?" Clerk: "Clean? Why, sir, we change the sheets here every day." Bell-hop (in background): "Yeah, from one bed to another." Harry: "Why do you always judge a girl by her figure and not by her brains?" Larry: "It's easier to tell if she has a figure." Help Your Never in history have American women been offered such a Local chance to serve their country. Never has there been such an urgent need for their service. USO This is a total war-a war in which every woman, as well as every man, must play a part. The men in the Navy, Coast Guard, and Army are in for one reason alone-to FIGHT! They're in to fly the planes, man the ship, smash the Nazis and Japs• . • . But to keep them fighting there are important service jobs that must be carried on at home-man size, full­time jobs in which you can serve your country .and release the men to fight at sea. That is what you, as a member Of the WAVES, SPARS, and WAACS can do to help win the war. This Page Published in the Interest of NAVY -COAST GUARD -ARMY Kohn Baking Co. Pan Dandy Bread Driskill Hotel W . L . Stark, Mgr. Jim Novy John Bremond Co. Southland Ice Co. 301 San Jacinto 901 Red River Capitol Hotel J. R. Reed Music Co. "A Friendly Hotel in a Friendly City" "Your Friends Since 1901 " Texas Public Service Co. Cook Printing Co. Modernize With Gas 304 w. 15th 2-8801