IT TAKES H.EALTHY NERVES TO BÉ ACHAMPION BRONK RIDER! EDDIE Woons, twice all-round cowboy champion at the famous Calgary Stampede, "top hand" of the cowboy world, says: "Ten seconds on the back of an outlaw horse is about the hardest punishment for a man's nerves that anybody can imagine. To have nerves that can take it, I smoke only Camels. I've tried them ali, but Camels are my smoke ! They have a natural mild­ness that appeals to me, and I Iike their taste better. Most important of ali, Camels do not jangle my nerves, even when I light up one Carne! after another." If you are nervous...inclined to "fiy off the handle" ... change to Camels. Your own nerves and taste will confirm the fact that this milder cigarette, made from costlier tobaccos, is better for steady smoking. IT IS MORE FUN TO KNOW Camels are made from finer, MORE EXPENSIVE tobaccos than any other popular brand. "l'M DEVOTED TO riding. Even if 1 am not in the championship class 1 need healthy nerves. And Camels are the mildest cigarette l know!" A MATCHLESS BLEND CAME(S COSTLIER TOBACCOS Copyright, 1988, R. J. Reynolde NEVER GET ON YOUR NERVES . NEVER TIRE YOUR TASTE Tobacco Company Bid and Accepted • Stltehed Black Satín • Plain Suede Operas • Black-Brown-Eel F rench Boot Shop Slippers for tea-time and evening! and Y ou, Miss Rushee of '33 will thrill more to the activities of Rush W eek if you wear this Salons Shoes of distinct"' ion. U. T.own Display Charlie's Corner 23d and Guadalupe Many Stylea $8.50 l-low the Manager Selects the Dance Band TEXAS RANGER comes to the rescue of the dance manager and reveals to the students and the Prom Trotters the terrible ordeal that the man who signs the orchestras for the Germans goes through in selecting the band. Surely when the Prom Trotters see what a problem it is, they will appreciate the bands more. Nov.13-Manager announces that he has started preparing for the big dance on January 27, and that the selection will be made from Mark Fisher, Jimmy Grier, and Red Nichols as soon as the dance committee can have a meeting. Nov.17-Manager goes to San Antonio to hear Red Nichols playing at Shadowland. He wires that Nichols has a nice band, and that he is about to sign him. Nov. 22-Manager goes to Galveston to hear Jimmy Grier playing at the Sui Jen Cafe. He wires the Daily T exan that Grier is wonderful, and that he will probably sign him hecause the students liked Jimmy so much last year. Nov. 24--Manager announces in the Texan that he would like to have the opinion of the students, as to their choice for a dance band. Texan promptly conducts an interview with the Dean. Dec. 1 -Manager goes to Dallas for audition with Mark Fisher's band. Dec. 5 -After trips to Houston, Fort Worth, and New Orleans, the Manager announces that he has signed Joe Ploxn and his Royal Rhythm Racke­teers. Dec. 7 -Manager leaves for Chicago to close contract with Joe Ploxn. Dec. 15-"Certain people" tell the Manager that they think he should consider a local band. Dec. 17-"Certain people" suggest to the Manager that Sam Sinxk has a very nice local band. Dec. 20-Manager announces that he thinks Sam Sinxk has nice band, and that final decision will be made immediately after the Christmas holidays. Jan. 3-Manager announces that Duke Ellington is com­ing to town and that he will try to sign him for the dance. (Continued on page 13) BU LLETS ANO BLANKS Friendly Co-operation The co-operation of a banking insti­tution is available to the college stu­dent of modest income as well as to great corporations. Y ou will find The American Nation­al Bank a friendly atmosphere of in­terest and good will and a readiness on the part of ·the officers to help you with your financial pro:blems, regard­less of the size of your account. THE AMERICAN NATIONAL BANK Sixth and Congress An Asset to College Students College men and women, accus­tomed to regulating their own expen­ditures and planning their own bud­gets, are receiving valuable training m the handling of money. In· this connection, a bank account is an important asset to people of college age. You will find this bank happy to handle your account. THE AUSTIN NATIONAL BANK U. S. Government Depository 507 Congress Avenue "THE FRIENDLY BA.NK" Dear Sir: Your next num­ber of the RANGER is to be the Thanksgiving number, which gives you very little leeway in the choice of ma­terial. You may write about Pilgrims, or lndians, or foot· hall, or you can put out an· other N. R. A. number. I think you'd better stick to Pilgrims, Indians, or foot.hall. Paragraph: Your second 1ssue of the RANGER has been re­ceived, but not from you. This time I do not thank you for putting my cartoons in, but rather expectantly await a letter thanking me most profusely for sending them in. Having talked to severa! U niversity students home for the holidays (their own, by the way), 1 find that your book is putrid to the extent of being lousy. If it wasn't for Dewey Gray, me, a cover publisher, and a couple of ex­chimges, you could just as well be putting out the Dailr Texan for interest. And at that, 1 believe I'd rather read one of Joe Hornaday's edi­torials. Paragraph: This letter is just to tell you a few things about putting out a magazine. No­body likes foul poetry. And even if you did get a date with Margaret Knight, that poem's still unpublishable. The people demand humor, so I see you give them a pic­ture of Joe Hornaday's pop­eyes. The thing about the Society Editor covering the football game was once writ­ten by Irving Israel and you haven't improved it. T h e prose poem about the NRA is not prose and it's not poetry-it sounds like mush to me. The Questions have a few good answers in them, but couldn't you get some­thing original just for the sake of variety? Say, a col­umn called "Did You Know," or a list of the Seniors with a lot of funny cracks after their names. Like Joe Mun­~.ter-"The Burp of a Na­tion." Or Morris Glass-"Five Star Fooey." Why don't you let Bruce Collier and his Del­ta Chi friends write the rest of the magazine? He did a good job of the record col­umn. And I still like Jack's name "Disc and Dat." Give Bruce more work to do. He's a comer. The add in the back is good. 1'11 bet Burt Dyke put that in to fill up space. Or maybe Worth Ware did it before he was kicked off the staff. Not that it makes any difference, but my name was left off the list of contributors. I guess you're just gonna keep that informa­tion from the students and spring it on them as a sur­prise at the last moment. Paragraph: The best thing for you to do is to put out seven more exchange issues and give the students their money's worth. Paragraph: May I make a suggestion? Go out, Morris, and meet sorne interesting people. A look at your staff convinces me that they are ali, with one or two excep­tions, a colorless bunch-un­fit to set foot in the Ranger office. Go out-mix with the mo~meet sorne people who do the same old things but who do them in interesting ways. You have no personal­ity yourself, so I cannot see how you can eject a bit into that sheet of yours. Get Ger­áld M. Porter busy. Make Jack McGrew write you a couple of stories. Let Bruce Collier draw a couple of pic­tures. Look up Al Melinger. Tell Jackson Cox to light up a Lucky and become inspired. Carol Lusk or Zack Scott should have something good. Louise Moss wrote sorne nice poetry last year. See if J. Claxton Benedum can draw you a couple of pictures. Talk to Martin Hirsch, Gene San­¡!:er, Si Stern and the rest of the boys down at the Phi Sigma Delta house. Let Jim­mie Glasscock write a series of feature articles about va­rious parts of the school. Or a tall, good-looking fellow named Potts from Ft. Worth. Is Bill Griffis still in school? J esse Villareal kno~s a little about humor. Get Ann Bent­ley to tell your staff a couple of her jokes. Joe Munster ran for editor of the thing one time and he's still good. Fréd Ward may not be in school but it'll be better for you if you find him. Boh Eckhardt is the best cartoon­ist that school ever had. Go up in 'that architectural de­partment and drag out some­body else other than Cliris Maiwald. Invite original con­tributions. Go to the library and read a couple of books, Y ou might get a few ideas. Call up Ruth Shirley; she's clever. Morris, you have a school of 6,000 students and you're giving them a high­school publication. Talk to (Continued on page 21) DECEMBER 1 9 3 3 ' } • "Dead Shot" Number Choose Collegiat:e G1FTS rl Now PILLOWS JEWELRY Order Personal University Seal Pillows, stuffed Many attractive items with seal and packed, in small and larger of the University at most any sizes, $2.00 up. price. Christmas PENNANTS VANITIES Cards Twenty-ftve different designs in A sure to please article with seal Texas Penants of high-grade felt, in the latest designs, $1.50 to From Our Modern $1.00 up. $3.50. Selection STATIONERY LEAT~ER GOODS Prompt Service Attractive gift boxes with en­Popular .and practica! articles graved seal, 79c to $1.50. with seal, $1.00 up. YOU SAVE 10 % ON TEXAS BOOK STORE YOUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING 1 0 % REBATE HERE ''The Students Book Exchanqe'; TO AL L A famous clergyman compares promiscous kissing to the licking of salt by cattle. He might have added that the cattle always come back for more.-Log. He: Gee, my girl's parents must be poor. They ha ve only one bridge table at her house and it's as rickety as can be. Him: Huh, you're lucky. M.y girl's worse than that. We have to play on the bed.-A. & M. Battalíon. Toastmaster, introducing speaker: l'm sure Mr. Jones, of the Soils and Fertilizer Department, will give us a pleasant half-hour. He's just full of his subject.-Whirlwind. Scotland's Burning: Each fellow spins his date around three times, ripping all the buttons off her clothes at the same time. The object is to see which girl can get upstairs fastest. They may not like this, but jeez, the fellows do.-Froth. Railroad Agent : Here's another farmer who is suing us on account of cows. Official: One of our trains has killed them, 1 suppose? Agent: No; he claims our trains go so slow that the passengers lean out of the windows and milk his cows as they go by.-Annapolis Log. "Just think, John, we don't have to pull down the shades; we're married now ! "-Yellow Jacket. Flapper: Do you practice what you preach? New Rector: Certainly, my dear. Flapper: Ooooh! Goody! 1 hear you preach ahout sin!-Temple Owl. A modern hoy is one who knows what she wants when she wants it.-Tiger. ON THE DRAW e With this issue you see re-estahlished THE TEXAS R.ANGER hegun by one Julian Brazelton in 1923, and comhined with The Longhorn in 1929. "As The Smoke Clears Away" tells how the Old Boy did it. Fair warning, that's the editor's column. e "Barhed Wires" they were called hack when Tom Holloway was editor of Texas Ranger, and "Barhed Wires" they are today, just as humorous and as interesting as when Margaret Cousins wrote them in 1927. We first thought of revising them, hut didn't. No improve­ments could he made. e And now those dances in the Texas Union, the orchestras, the tax. "How the Manager selects the Dance Band," just how it's done. Maybe you are interested. e No one will like "Pow­der Burns," or at least no one will admit it. "Bul­lets and Blanks/' "How to Put the Button On," Rush Week at the Pi Phi house, cartoons, ex­changes, reprints from the Old Rangers, and a couple of other things that will he good to the last shot. Succeuor to The Longhorn with which ia combined Texas Ranger. VOL. XLIX NO. 3 BEFORE YOU SHOOT DEPARTMENTS Bullets and Blanks------------------------------------------------2 Powder Burns -----------------------------------------------------8 As the Smoke Clears Away __________________________________ 16 Circles of Cyncopation________________________________________ 21 Too Tough to KilL_____________________________________________ 22 W e Brand the Others____________________________________________ 24 FEATURES How the Manager Selects the Dance Band _________ 1 Rush Week at the Pi Phi House__________________________ 6 Barhed Wires --------------------------------------------------------7 Letter from Gus Olson __________________________________________ 14 How to Put On the Button ____________________________________ 14 Re-Loading e Re-loading ... Decem­her, and the Yuletide ••. snow flakes falling over the Old Ranch ... stock­ings hung hefore an old­fashioned fireplace . . . trains filled with eager, laughing youth hurrying home ... and the Ranger's "Good Cheer" numher ... e Re-loading ... and re­peal along with the tree and St. Nick ... a con· neiseur clarifies theliquor prohlem ... an "old vet" contrihutes his advice to the collegiate world ... a zipping cocktail of wit and novelty . . coming up next month. e Re-loading ... zestful as the Yuletide spirit it· self . . . and as cheering . . . a higger magazine ... and a hetter . . . poems ... poems ... exchanges . . . fiction . . features ... gossip ...and through it all the reincarnated spirit of the Texas Ranger ... never entirely serious . . . n e v e r wholly in jest ... e -Re-loading ...The en­tire staff on review . • . in their hest efforts so far this year ... another skill­fully designed cover ••• another flood of clever cartoons . . . a hahit . . . Powder Burns ... We Brand the Others ... and as the smoke clears away ... Good Cheer ... Tas TEXAS RANGER, HtMORous MAGAZINE OF THE UNIVl:RSJTY or TEXAS, PUBLISHED MONTRLY BY TBI T1x.u STUDENT PuaL1CATION&, lNc., AusT1N, TEus, FROM OcroBER TO JuN& JNCLus1vz, Mou1s Gu11, EmTOll·JN·CBIZI'' Exclusive reprint BuaT DvK&, Bus•NESS MANAGER. rights granted to TtRMS: $2.00 A Ylift. SINGLE COPIES, 25 CENTS. ENT&RZD AS SECOND·CLA.SS MATTEB MAY 31. 1916, AT Tld POSTOFFICE AT Ál18TIN, TEXAS, UNDER THE A CT OF CONCRESS OF MABCB 3, 1879. COPYRIGHT, 1933, BY THE TEXAS STUDENT PUBLICATION81 INC., AUSTIN1 TEXAS. THE CONTZNTS 01' TBII MAGAZINE ~~ ~ ........ ARE FULLY PROTECTED BY COPYJUCHT AND NOTHlNG THAT APPE,A.RS JN JT MAY 81 PRJNTED ElTB•a WBOLLY O• l?f 1'.il:r,. 1VJTBOUT PBJl)UtllUON, -~ Wl-IEN IT'S RUSl-I WEEK AT TEXAS ... The Pi Phis Will Look Like This BARBEO WIRES BY MARGARET COUSINS F AST DAY MESSAGE MR. LA WRENCE ASBURY JR. PHI GAMMA DELTA HOUSE AUSTIN TEXAS NOV. 21 THINKING OF DRIVING DOWN FOR THANKSGIVING GAME STOP GET US SEVEN GOOO SEATS ON FIFTY YARD LINE IN THE SHADE OUT OF DRAUGHTS STOP AUNT SALLIE AND TWINS ARE COMING WITH US STOP WIND AFFECTS HER HAY FEVER STOP SUP­POSE YOU HAVE PLENTY OF MONEY LEFT FROM RECENT CHECK STOP LOVE DAD TELEGRAM MR. LA WRENCE ASBURY SR. SUITE 1111 SANTA FE BUILDING DALLAS, TEXAS NOV. 21 1 HAVE NO MONEY STOP SEATS ALL SOLD DAY BEFO RE YESTEROA Y STOP SORRY 1 WILL NOT GET TO SEE YOU STOP YOUR OBEDIENT SON LAWRENCE FAST DAY MESSAGE MR. LA WRENCE ASBURY JR. PHI GAMMA DELTA HOUSE AUSTIN, TEXAS NOV. 22 CANNOT UNDERSTAND YOUR INABILITY TO PRO­ CURE SEATS STOP FEAR YOU WILL NEVER BE A BUSINESS MAN STOP TELL BELLMONT 1 TOOK MY DEGREE IN 1900 AND AM INTERESTED IN ALMA MATER STOP WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THAT CHECK 1 SENT YOU THIS WEEK STOP J. LA WRENCE ASBURY TELEGRAM MR. LAWRENCE ASBURY JR. PHI GAMMA . DELTA HOUSE AUSTIN, TEXAS NOV. 22 LAWRENCE DEAR A CROWD OF US WANT TO COME TO BRYAN TO THANKSGIVING GAME STOP GET US Reading Time: One­~alf Lecture Period FIVE SEATS ON FH'TY YARD LINE STOP AM DE· PENDING ON YOU STOP CAN'T W AIT TO SEE YOU STOP PHYLLIS TELEGRAM MR. J. LAWRENCE ASBURY 1111 SANTA FE B1,DG. DALLAS, TEXAS NOV. 22 CANNOT GET BELLMONT INTERESTED IN YOUR EDUCATION OR AUNT SALLIE AND THE TWINS STOP SEATS ARE ALL GONE STOP PAID MY ROOM AND BOARD STOP LA WRENCE TELEGRAM MISS PHYLLIS HILLIARD KIDD KEY COLLEGE SHERMAN, TEXAS NOV. 22 OF COURSE 1 WILL GET YOU SEATS DEAR STOP CAN YOU STAY FOR DANCES AT A AND M STOP LOVE STOP LA WRENCE FAST DAY MESSAGE MR. LAWRENCE ASBURY JR. PHI GAMMA DELTA HOUSE AUSTIN, TEXAS NOV. 22 SUPPOSE WE WILL HAVE TO GIVE UP TRIP BUT SUGGEST THAT YOU PLAN TO SPEND HOLIDAYS AT HOME STOP IT WILL BE YOUR ONL Y OPPORTUNITY TO SEE AUNT SALLIE AND TWINS BEFORE THEY GO EAST STOP ALSO MARJORIE WILL BE AT HOME STOP DOES YOUR ROOM AND BOARD COST YOU SEVENTY FIVE DOLLARS PER WEEK STOP DAD TELEGRAM MR. LAWRENCE ASBURY JR. PHI GAMMA DELTA HOUSE AUSTIN, TEXAS NOV. 22 STOP WHAT STOP LA WRENCE YOU DARLING 1 AM DYING TO GO TO DANCES STOP CAN YOU GET (Continued on page 13) POWDER BURNS Well, well, well ! So we're gonna hafta do this ali over again, Really, we just don't know what we'd do if it weren't for ali you old cut-ups. The headliner, of course, is the formation of the so-called "Big Four," which is nothing less than a coalition of the four largest and best (the adjectives are not ours) fraternities on the campus with the idea in mind of monopolizing, as it were, the most likely of the rushees this season. Tbe quartet of brotherhoods will, according to a tentative outline, work hand in hand. Should the Pi Pi Pi's for instance, f ail to pledge a rushee they will tactfully yet eloquently suggest the Nu Nu Nu's. lt is hoped that it will all terminate with one big happy family. The rushees, on the other hand, are not to be out­done. They are, we understand, framing up by form­ing little alliances, members of which hope to pledge the same way. One of the best navajo stories is the one about the hoy and a girl (aren't they all ?) who strolled away from a Delta Chi picnic and spread their blanket (the grass was damp), only to be greeted by a warning whir-r-r. The girl, a native of West Texas, left her companion dazed for only a second as she yelled "rattlesnake,'' and sprang into action. The blanket was re.covered two days later, but the two are still picking out cactus thorns gathered in getting away from the spot. While casually inspecting the stock at Cook's rid­ing academy, we were somewhat shocked to observe one of the horses shying away from us. What could the trouble be, pondered we; horses, dogs and chil­dren have always been attracted by our kindly affectionate nature. Naturally, the situation was puzzling, and being of a curious state of mind, we AA~GE~ T employed more exacting scrutiny only to recognize James Glasscock. A singular coincidence occurred recently when the boys of the local volume of Sigma Chi were merci­lessly panned in regard to their yaller barn on Nineteenth and Guadalupe; most phenomenal char­acteristic of which was the unfailing sudden sound of rushing water on the third ftoor which invariably followed the slamming of the front roud to ask it. Longhorn-Ranger, Morris, but I'd do it for the Ranger even I do know that it is my first if I wouldn't do it for you. love. And with your lousy Answer this letter. Let me literature, you are strangling know how things are getting its lily-white neck. Please, on. I'm going to oontinue my oh, please, be careful and criticisms of the paper from guard it with your life. I'm now on, and unless the mag coming up there sorne day improves, I'm ooming up and if you've killed the thing there and run you out of that's meant more than any­thing else in the University town. Signed, to me-you'll deeply regret it. -SID PIETZSCH. l-lome Steam Laundry 120 EAST TENTH PHONE 3702 This Number 3702 Opens a Direct Line to the • Y ou'll find it economical to let us call f or and deliver all your . laundry each week. • TWELVE LIL BOTILES • 1 had twelve bottles of whisky in my cellar and my wife made me empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, so 1 proceeded to do as my wife desired and withdrew the cork from the first bottle, poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which 1 drank. 1 then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which 1 drank. 1 extracted the cork from the third bottle, emptied the good ol' booze down the bottle, except a glass, which 1 drank. 1 pulled the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass when 1 drank sorne. 1 pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and then threw the rest down the bottle. 1 pulled the sink out of the next cork and poured the bottle down the sink, all but one sink, which 1 drank. 1 pulled the cork from my throat and poured the sink down the bottle and drank the cork. Well, 1 had them all empty and steadied the house with one hand and counted the bottles, which were twenty-four, so counted them again and 1 had seventy-four and as the houses carne around 1 counted them and finally 1had ali the houses and bottles counted and 1 proceeded to wash the bottles, but 1 couldn't get the brush in the bottles, so 1 turned them inside out and washed and wiped them ali, and went upstairs and told my other half about what 1 did, and oh hoy! I've got the wifest lil' nice in the world.-Exchange. TOO TOUG~ TO KI L L Contributors to this issue: Marguerite Kubella, f oe Barton, Christie Mitchell, fack Wiggins, Roman Bartosh, Louise Moss, C. E. Orr, Bill Erwin, lames Glasscock, Bill Dozier, Anna Pauline facobs, Lenore Preece, Tom Hollo­way, Margaret Cousins, fackson Cox, loe Steiner, Sid Pietisch, fack Buchanan, William Parker, Bruce Collier, Helen Lucille Gragg, Adode Parker, Dell Clay, Ross Shearer, and The Old Texas Rangers. (Continued from page 20) TELEGRAM MISS PHYLLIS HILLIARD KIDD KEY COLLEGE SHERMAN, TEXAS NOV. 23 EVERYTHING IS ALL ARRANGED STOP SEE YOU TOMORROW STOP LOVE STOP LARRY TELEGRAM MR. LAWRENCE ASBURY JR. NOV. 23 PHI GAMMA DELTA HOUSE AUSTIN, TEXAS NOV. 23 WE HA VE DECIDED TO GO TO TCU-SMU GAME STOP ARE GOING TO STA Y WITH YOUR SISTER MARJORIE AT YOUR HOUSE STOP WILL EXPECT YOU TO COME UP STOP LOVE STOP PHYLLIS TELEGRAM J. L. ASBURY SR. 1111 SANTA FE BLDG. DALLAS, TEXAS 1 HAVE GOT SOME TICKETS FOR YOU AND MOTHER AUNT SALLIE AND TWINS STOP COME DOWN TO GAME STOP LAWRENCE TELEGRAM LAWRENCE ASBURY JR. PHI GAMMA DELTA HOUSE AUSTIN, TEXAS DISPOSE OF SEATS STOP CAN'T COME MARJORIE IS HAVING FIVE GUESTS OVER FOR WEEK END STOP DAD TELEGRAM LA WRENCE ASBURY SR. llll SANTA FE BLDG. DALLAS, TEXAS HA VE DECIDED TO COME HOME AFTER ALL STOP SEE YOU SOON STOP LA WRENCE TELEGRAM LAWRENCE ASBURY JR. PHI GAMMA DELTA HOUSE AUSTIN, TEXAS NOV. 23 WE FEEL YOU HAD BETTER NOT COME AS IT WOULD INTERRUPT YOUR GOVERNMENT WORK STOP BESIDES THE HOUSE IS TOO FULL TO HOLD ANYBODY ELSE STOP SEE YOU CHRISTMAS STOP HAVE NOT RECEIVED YOUR DOCTOR BILL WIRE US THE SCORE STOP DAD For Candies For Decorative Goodies For Favors For Gifts F or Ornaments for the Home Come to YE QUALITYE SHOPPE 1104 Colorado Street Special Prices to University Groups TELEGRAM LA WRENCE ASBURY JR. PHI GAMMA DELTA HOUSE AUSTIN, TEXAS NOV. 24 WHERE ARE YOU AND FRANCES DOROTHY MIL­ DRED AND BETTY STOP ANDY HARRY BILL BEV PRIVATE LUCIUS JONES TELEGRAM MR. LAWRENCE ASBURY SUITS 1111 SANTA FE BLDG. DALLAS, TEXAS YOUR SON IS IN SETONS INFIRMARY STOP CONDI­ TION SEEMS VIOLENT STOP APPEARS TO HA VE AMNESIA STOP WOULD SUGGEST COMPLETE REST AND RELAXATION AND NO EXCITEMENT OR WORRY FOR HIM STOP CAN YOU COME AT ONCE STOP DR. GATES -Texas Ranger, 1927. the gables • special parties arranged luncheons breakfasts banquets dinners bridge dances teas you'll like dining in an atmosphere that is different . . . yet inexpensive 2506 rio grande phone 9671 beatrice norwood W E B R A N D T ~ E OT~ERS HEARD ON CAMPUS DEFINITIONS (with sincere apologies to the English Department). POETRY is when every line begins with a capital letter. GENDER shows whether a man is masculine or feminine or neuter. A CONJUNCTION is a place where two railroad lines meet. A METAPHOR is a suppressed simile. lt is also a thing you shoot through. NO is the adverb of negotiations. The future of 1 GIVE is YOU TAKE. A PASSIVE VERB is when the subject is the sufferer. Example: 1 am loved. The plural of FORGET-ME-NOT is FORGET-US-NOT. MASCULINE-M.a.n. FEMININE-Woman. NEUTER-Corpse. The EPITAPH is a short sarcastic poem. -Old Maid. A FRESHMAN'S PRAYER "God bless mother and father. Bless my little brother and sisters, and friends. And good-bye, God, l'm going to college."-Tiger. FEEL THE HEAT Then there's the chorus girl who gets a grand, and glorious feeling every time the millionaire kisses her.-The Owl. HINTS TO CO-EDS ON DATE Don't ask him what he thinks of your roommate. He probably has his own ideas on that subject and doesn't want to defame a girl's character anyhow. Don't tell him that the girls at the house don't understand you. He doesn't either and doesn't care. Don't tell him about the helluva good time that he missed by not going to the Tappa Keg brawl. He had a better time somewhere else. Don't make cracks about his driving. Remember, he isn't driving because he wants to. If and when he parks, take off your hat. It will facilitate matters. Don't plaster up with lip-stick before the light. No matter how kissproof it may be, it will still come off on his shirt. The shirt probably isn't his anyhow. If he takes a shot, don't go into a long-winded discussion about what it did to a friend of yours. He probably needs it if he's out with you. Don't make him do ali of the work. A little encouragement will go a long way toward another date. And, above all, DON'T.-Exchange. TOO DARN FAR l'm going to divorce her. Sure. Four days are enough. 1 didn't think 1 was marrying a goddam clown. You saw what she did at the wedding when the preacher turned his back on us for a minute? Well, 1 didn't say anything about that. 1 figured, hell, everyone has a hobby, and maybe hers is doing things when preachers have their backs turned. And when she got into bed that night wearing a corset down to her knees, 1 just gave her credit for being subtle; though she needn't have giggled ali night. But the next morning she gave me trick rubber biscuits for break­fast-and rolled on the Boor when 1 bit into one. And the next morning there was salt in my coffee. Yeh. Salt. That was when 1 started thinking things over. Y esterday she took my car and tried to see how close she could come to a hydrant without hitting it. She said it was heaps of fun-even if she did come too close. The hell with it. 1 like my breakfast. And 1 can't be buying the city new fire plugs every day. So l'm going to divorce her. Sure l'd be afraid to have any children.-Pelican. Yes, sir ! They were men in those days. Caesar's legionaires used to perform their best fighting during a cloudburst, used to make their longest marches on empty stomachs, and when sick would throw up fortifications.-Dirge. VIRTUE -In the female, lack of temptation; -in the male, lack of opportunity.-Brown Jug. PROGRESS OF CIVILIZATION 1930---"1 Found a Million Dollar Baby." 1931-"I Got Five Dollars." 1932-"Here lt Is Monday and l've Still Got a Dollar." 1933-"Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?" 1934--????? -Log. BIG NEWS Annie Rutz, daughter of the local candy storekeeper, is the Virgin Mary in this year's production of the Passion Play at Oberammergau. She is the first blonde Virgin for a century.-Town .and Country. Üf all the ways in which tobacco is used the cigarette is the mildest form Y OU know, ever since the In­dians found out the pleasure of smoking tobacco, there have been many ways of enjoying it. But of all the ways in which tobacco is used, the cigarette is the mildest form. Everything that money can huy and everything that Science .. knows about is used to make Chesterfields. The tobaccos are hlended and cross-hlended the right way-the cigarettes are made right -the paper is right. There are other good cigarettes, of course, hut Chesterfield is the cigarette that's milder the cigarette that tastes better • . 7Í-et¡S7aiujy.. just tJy them © 1933, LIGGETT & MYERS ToBACCO Co.